Losing Sanity

i walk around school and i see... things that i do not wish to see. when i go shopping (which i do not do often), i see people. when i am at home, i see... books. lots of books, since i love reading. but i can't make anything out of any of these.

i am so blur nowadays. headaches come more often now than ever. i have to study for my exams which are coming in at least three weeks, and i can't concentrate because i am very distracted these days.

i notice something too, even though i do not pay attention to my surroundings anymore. i notice that... well, i am not going to say in this post... ^^' but what i noticed is not bringing me any benefit; in fact, it is bringing me downhill.

i have almost given up on fighting already. there's too many emotions, too many for me to handle. i know i have said this one too many times, but i can't help it. i guess it is partly my fault i didn't tell anyone about this.

my head's spinning. i talk stuff in no sense at all - i'm sure you all can see that now. my sanity is not in tact, i think. i just want to cry and let it all out. why is it so hard to do that? i think i'll have to wait for a lifetime if i have to wait for tears to come.

See? See?? listen to that paragraph!! i don't think half of you will understand what that meant. but seriously, hiding my head in books won't help me forget what's happening to me.

i'm so tired... tired. that's all i ever feel now, besides all the rushing emotions. i want to forget all these ever happened, and move on with a happy and calm feeling. there's chaos everywhere, and i don't want to fight anymore.

Mixed Emotions

how can anyone stand having so many emotions at the same time? i feel... so many. jealousy, anger, confused, lost, empty, lonely... and so many more. i can't keep my head straight. everything around me makes me feel so different. i just can't feel normal anymore. feelings such as happiness and calmness... they just drift away like feathers in the wind.

i'm going crazy. i'm going out of control. i tried... so hard to keep all of them in. lock those emotions in a box with a safety lock. i never told anyone... i can't trust them. they won't understand.

i want to let it all out. i want to just let go of my feelings for this guy. i hate myself for having this feeling, because i will just end up hurting myself.

crying helps, but it seems to me that i'm not hurt enough to cry. locking all emotions helps too, but i think the bottle of emotions in me is already full; maybe that's why all emotions are leaking, not little by little. they are releasing themselves like water from a broken dam.

i just can't bring myself to tell people. i do not want to add to people's burdens, since they themselves have their own problems. but i can't find another way, aside from keeping all problems to myself.

i'm really losing my head now. it hurts... my heart, my head... and i'm so tired, i feel like just giving up.

The Blog Readability Test

i spotted this out of a friend's blog... try it ^^ this is my result:

Movie Reviews

Helpless

i always try my best to help other people. when they ask for my help, sure, i'll help - as long as it is within my capability space. but what happens when someone comes to you for help, but you are not sure how to fulfill that?

some people have the tendency to share with me their problems and seek some advice. but i have one problem... i suck at giving advices. i listen, but i struggle when it comes to giving advices... mostly because i'm very inexperienced when it comes to 'life problems' such as relationships, family problems...

what hurt the most was that someone who sought my 'help and comfort' (~ahem~) actually snapped at me afterwards, saying that i don't understand what she was going through and stomped off, even though i hadn't even uttered a word.

i feel so useless. i can help people with their favours, and i can listen... but when they need advice, they go to someone else. i feel like i am such a bad friend. but for now, for those friends of mine who need a huge hug and a kiss... i'll do this:

sometimes when i am not around to help, maybe this picture will substitute me instead (lol). i haven't found a nicer picture, but i'll make do with this first. let me know if this picture is not enough? thanks ^^

Frustrated

i am born with one heck of a temper. not something i'm proud of, but could be useful at times.

one day, i realized how empty my life is.

day two, after i got rid of someone, another comes in... therefore irritating me again. i think people should know when to talk to a person, don't you think?

like i said before, i haven't been in such a good mood lately (so much so that one of my best friends said that i snapped at her the whole of last week). so when this particular girl (no one that anyone will know) shows up and be my shadow... i realized my very-carefully-kept temper was leaking more than it already was.

then, some people, mainly A and B (i'm not naming names) think that i am not allowed to get angry, only they are allowed. when i get in a bad mood, i have to keep my mouth shut just so that i don't get shouted at. hello, im only human!!!

i also let all sorts of words get thrown at me. i'm not at all argumentative... so my wound, which is already big enough, just keeps getting bigger.

what's wrong with me?

Tired

tired. tired. tired. i'm so friggin' tired of feeling angry, disappointed, lonely, left out... i can't even do something without feeling angry. i'm angry at myself, i'm angry at other people...

what am i suppose to do? even my math teacher can seem to figure out what's wrong with me even without me uttering a word about it.

everytime i look at something, my mood will go to depress mode for the next 24 hours. my head is so jumbled up that i can't think straight. i can't even focus on my studies without feeling angry.

i want to scream but i can't. i want to punch someone in the face but i can't. i want to cry and let it all out but i can't. that is the hardest of all.

i'm afraid that after 4 and a half years of compressing my feelings in me, they're finally escaping. all the control i have is slipping away from me.

i'm so tired of feeling angry, but i can't stop it either.