Looks

i have to agree - i don't look as pretty as others, not as impressive... bla bla bla. and i'm sure there are those who share my feelings. i happened to find this on the net (duh!) and it stuck to me somehow.

'Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.

If I could reach from pole to pole
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul;
The mind's the standard of the man.

X)

Sigh..

It's been a while, hasn't it? with the national service program and all... but this is not why i'm typing this post today. in fact, they are different matters altogether. let's begin, shall we?

well, i'm sure everybody has heard of Facebook by now... and there's this particular place in it where we can put our pictures in it for people to see too. it was a few minutes ago when i so happened to browse through my friends' pictures. so many pictures, so many smiling faces, so many of them still together after all these years.

funny thing is, i'm considered one of the most invisible students back in high school. i enjoyed school, really i did, but that's when i started schooling in kindergarten until i was 13, in high school. since then, everything was turning downhill. everything changed; imagine, all your friends were your friends one morning and all of you were one big group. next thing you knew, little cracks begin to show in that big group. little by little, that one big group would become small... clans.

and then... maybe it was just time to grow up. obviously, with my type of family background, i can't enjoy most of my childhood or teenage years. but it really hurt so bad, like a butcher knife struck into your heart, when you realize it was too late to turn back and change to how things were before. it hurts, when i take flip through the pictures and see that all my friends are still together, and i'm left behind, partly because of my very-controlled family. and that butcher knife just keeps stabbing deeper as the years go by.

i hate this. i hate feeling unwanted, i hate feeling as though my life will always be like this, with no one to turn to. i thought i had already buried all these thoughts and feelings and told myself to get used to the way things are. but in the long run, i just hate myself even more for being like this; for being a loser... therefore, in the end, i'm only called a bitch. i feel better with that word now, more used to it, but still - sometimes, i just don't feel like i'm worth it in this world.

Mockingbird

Yeah

I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now

But hey, what'd daddy always tell you?

Straighten up little soldier

Stiffen up that upper lip

Whatchu crying about?

You got me.

Hailie, I know u miss your mom

And I know u miss your dad when I'm gone

But I'm tryin' to give you the life that I never had

I can see your sad

Even when you smile

Even when you laugh

I can see it in your eyes

Deep inside you wanna cry

Cuz you're scared

I ain't there,

Daddy's with you in your prayers

No more cryin'

Wipe them tears

Daddy's here

No more nightmares

We gonna pull together through it

We gon' do it

Lainie's uncle's crazy ain't he, yeah

But he loves you girl and you better know it

We're all we got in this world

When it spins

When it swirls

When it whirls

When it twirls

Two little beautiful girls

Lookin' puzzled, in a daze

I know it's confusing you

Daddy's always on the move

Mama's always on the news

I try to keep you sheltered from it

But somehow it seems, the harder that I try to do that

The more it backfires on me

All the things, growin' up

As daddy, daddy had to see

Daddy don't want you to see

But you see just as much as he did

We did not plan it to be this way,

Your mother and me

But things have got so bad between us

I don't see us ever being

Together ever again

Like we used to be like when we was teenagers

But then of course

Everything always happen for a reason

I guess it was never meant to be

But it's just something

We have no control over

And that's what destiny is

But no more worries

Rest your head and go to sleep

Maybe one day we'll wake up

And this will all just be a dream

Now hush little baby don't you cry

Every thing's gonna be all right

Stiffin' that upper lip up little lady I told ya

Daddy's here to hold ya through the night

I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why

We fear how we feel inside, it may seem a little crazy

Pretty baby but I promise, Mama's gon' be alright

It's funny,

I remember back one year when daddy had no money

Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up

And stuck 'em under the tree

And said some of 'em were from me,

Cuz daddy couldn't buy 'em

I'll never forget that Christmas

I sat up the whole night crying

Cuz daddy felt like a bum,

See daddy had a job, but his job

Was to keep the food on the table for you and mom

And at the time every house that we lived in

Either kept getting broken into and robbed or shot up on the block

And your mom, was saving money for you in a jar

Tryna to start a piggy bank for you

So you could go to college

Almost had a thousand dollars

'Till someone broke in and stole it

And I know it hurt so bad it broke your mamma's heart

And it seemed like everything was just starting to fall apart

Mom and dad was arguing a lot

So mama moved back on to Chalmers in a flat

One bedroom apartment

And dad moved back to the other side of 8 mile on Novara

And that's when daddy went to California with his CD

And met Dr. Dre and flew you and Mama out to see me,

But daddy had to work, you and mama had to leave me,

Then you started seeing daddy on the TV

And mama didn't like it

And you and Lainnie were too young to understand it

Papa was a rollin' stone, mama developed a habit

And it all happened too fast for either one of us to grab it

I'm just sorry you were there and had to witness it firsthand

Cuz all I ever wanted to do was just make you proud

Now I'm sittin' in this empty house,

Just reminiscing. Looking at your baby pictures it just tricks me out

To see how much you both have grown it's almost like you're sisters now

Wow, guess you pretty much are and daddy's still here

Lainnie I'm talking to you too daddy's still here

I like the sound of that, yeah

It's got a ring to it don't it

Shhh, mama's only gone for the moment

Now hush little baby don't you cry

Every thing's gonna be all right

Stiffin' that upper lip up little lady I told ya

Daddy's here to hold ya through the night

I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why

We fear how we feel inside, it may seem a little crazy

Pretty baby but I promise, mama's gon' be alright

And if you ask me to, daddy's gonna buy you a mocking bird

I'ma give you the world, I'ma buy a diamond ring for you,

I'ma sing for you, I'll do anything for you to see you smile

And if that mockingbird don't sing and that ring don't shine

I'ma break that birdie's neck, I'll go back to the jeweler

Who sold it to ya

And make him eat every carat

Don't fuck with Dad (ha ha)

- Eminem

i like this song... it has a lot of emotion inside.

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

the title says it all! its d second day of the first month of the new year... and i (and the other participants around the country) am going to leave for NS in... 15 minutes. i thought i would at least give the last word so that you people won't miss me too much... *cough* joking *cough*

anyway, i'm off for three months, and u won't hear a peep out of me until then. okay, gotta go now.

i just want to say.. *sob*.. i'm going to miss my tv, computer, anime, manga, books... and yeah. i think that's pretty much it. LOL!

okay...........

ciao! XDXD see you in three months!

Why?

the feeling's back. the feeling of... well, like the many times where i was being left alone. times when no matter how much you want to do something, you just can't do it, because you are not allowed.

i feel so trapped. still... like a little bird locked up in a cage since birth, impossible to be released no matter how much i want to be let go. the feeling's building up, refilling the bottle which held my emotions. the bottle was spilling, but now its filling itself again. fantastic.

i see how happy my friends are through their pictures and stuff. how happy they were hanging out together, enjoying themselves. i wonder... what it feels like to be with my friends, hanging out outside of school. it's so painful, just thinking about that, because i know i'll never be able to feel that carefree feeling.

maybe like a little bird locked up in a cage since birth seems too - lenient. it's more like... like... i'm walking in the pastures as a small kid, and then suddenly i was caught in the thorn bushes. every time i feel like struggling, the thorns tighten around me. as i grow up, the sharper the thorns poking into me.

oh God, i want to talk to someone. i need to talk to someone... but heh. who has so much time to listen to me, huh? thanks to these thorns, the people i mix with in the end turn their backs and walk on. i know i'm not much to be with, not interesting enough, not... free because of the thorns. so they give up and walk on. i know how tiring it is to be with me, someone who just isn't very exciting to be a friend. i really understand that feeling, because i'm also very fed-up with myself too.

what am i going to do? is this going to continue until i die? i cannot believe this. i cannot fight against the thorns. i try not to be weak, but these thorns - i'm so used to them until i would feel lost without them. i'm practically begging, i need help. serious help.

it's also painful, u know, and pathetic as well, to know that you're not wanted. partly because i can't keep up, partly because... ah. what the heck. i don't see why i even existed. why do i exist? what's the point...? sigh.

Thoughts

i'm sitting in the living room, next to the balcony's glass door with the curtain drawn, using my computer and typing this right now. i've been thinking this for quite some time: SPM's over! i"m free!

but now, its Christmas Day. My family and I went to church and then drove all the way to Negeri Sembilan to check out the PLKN camp which i am assigned to go to. it was scary... because it looked just like the camp i joined (and left the next day because i had an appointment back home) in June.

National Service just wasn't the idea i had in mind to spend my after-school holidays. before June came, i was always thinking that i'll get a job before i get my SPM results (my best option, i hope) to sign up for college. but dang, guess God had other plans for me. going camping is a 'not bad' idea, but for three months in the jungle where all the insects are?? if i had a choice, i'd pass - definitely.

these few weeks after i finished SPM, i have to say i kinda wasted it by doing absolutely nothing. but recently my sister introduced a new manga with its anime to me. suddenly, my world became so much brighter... haha! but ridiculously, she did that a week ago. the manga's not even completed yet. sad.

sigh. now i'm sitting here comfortably (just don't ask how) and realizing that NS is going to be... next Saturday. oh my gosh. for those who are not chosen and are probably gloating by now, this is very nerve-wrecking... really.

*laughs* this is a silent night lol. signing out now - hinoiri.

Note To God

If I wrote a note to God

I would speak what's in my soul

I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away

For love to overflow

If I wrote a note to God

I'd pour my heart out on each page

I'd ask for war to end

And for peace to mend this world

I'd say

I'd say

I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through

Help us find love, 'cause love is overdue

And it seems like so much is going wrong

On this road we're on

If I wrote a note to God

I'd say please help us find a way

End all the bitterness

Put some tenderness in our hearts

I'd say

I'd say

I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through

Help us find love, 'cause love is overdue

And it looks like we haven't got a clue

Need some help from you

Grant us the faith to carry on

Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone

'Cause it seems like so much is going wrong

On this road we're on

No

No

We can't do it on our own

So

So

(Give us the strength to make it through

Help us find love, 'cause love is overdue)

And it looks like we haven't got a clue

Need some help

Grant us the faith to carry on

Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone

'Cause it seems like so much is going wrong

On this road we're on

No

No

(No) We can't do it on our own

(So)

So

If I wrote a note to God

- Charice Pempengco

P.S. This girl's 17 years old (same age as me) & is a Filipino.