Why?

the feeling's back. the feeling of... well, like the many times where i was being left alone. times when no matter how much you want to do something, you just can't do it, because you are not allowed.

i feel so trapped. still... like a little bird locked up in a cage since birth, impossible to be released no matter how much i want to be let go. the feeling's building up, refilling the bottle which held my emotions. the bottle was spilling, but now its filling itself again. fantastic.

i see how happy my friends are through their pictures and stuff. how happy they were hanging out together, enjoying themselves. i wonder... what it feels like to be with my friends, hanging out outside of school. it's so painful, just thinking about that, because i know i'll never be able to feel that carefree feeling.

maybe like a little bird locked up in a cage since birth seems too - lenient. it's more like... like... i'm walking in the pastures as a small kid, and then suddenly i was caught in the thorn bushes. every time i feel like struggling, the thorns tighten around me. as i grow up, the sharper the thorns poking into me.

oh God, i want to talk to someone. i need to talk to someone... but heh. who has so much time to listen to me, huh? thanks to these thorns, the people i mix with in the end turn their backs and walk on. i know i'm not much to be with, not interesting enough, not... free because of the thorns. so they give up and walk on. i know how tiring it is to be with me, someone who just isn't very exciting to be a friend. i really understand that feeling, because i'm also very fed-up with myself too.

what am i going to do? is this going to continue until i die? i cannot believe this. i cannot fight against the thorns. i try not to be weak, but these thorns - i'm so used to them until i would feel lost without them. i'm practically begging, i need help. serious help.

it's also painful, u know, and pathetic as well, to know that you're not wanted. partly because i can't keep up, partly because... ah. what the heck. i don't see why i even existed. why do i exist? what's the point...? sigh.

Thoughts

i'm sitting in the living room, next to the balcony's glass door with the curtain drawn, using my computer and typing this right now. i've been thinking this for quite some time: SPM's over! i"m free!

but now, its Christmas Day. My family and I went to church and then drove all the way to Negeri Sembilan to check out the PLKN camp which i am assigned to go to. it was scary... because it looked just like the camp i joined (and left the next day because i had an appointment back home) in June.

National Service just wasn't the idea i had in mind to spend my after-school holidays. before June came, i was always thinking that i'll get a job before i get my SPM results (my best option, i hope) to sign up for college. but dang, guess God had other plans for me. going camping is a 'not bad' idea, but for three months in the jungle where all the insects are?? if i had a choice, i'd pass - definitely.

these few weeks after i finished SPM, i have to say i kinda wasted it by doing absolutely nothing. but recently my sister introduced a new manga with its anime to me. suddenly, my world became so much brighter... haha! but ridiculously, she did that a week ago. the manga's not even completed yet. sad.

sigh. now i'm sitting here comfortably (just don't ask how) and realizing that NS is going to be... next Saturday. oh my gosh. for those who are not chosen and are probably gloating by now, this is very nerve-wrecking... really.

*laughs* this is a silent night lol. signing out now - hinoiri.

Note To God

If I wrote a note to God

I would speak what's in my soul

I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away

For love to overflow

If I wrote a note to God

I'd pour my heart out on each page

I'd ask for war to end

And for peace to mend this world

I'd say

I'd say

I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through

Help us find love, 'cause love is overdue

And it seems like so much is going wrong

On this road we're on

If I wrote a note to God

I'd say please help us find a way

End all the bitterness

Put some tenderness in our hearts

I'd say

I'd say

I'd say

Give us the strength to make it through

Help us find love, 'cause love is overdue

And it looks like we haven't got a clue

Need some help from you

Grant us the faith to carry on

Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone

'Cause it seems like so much is going wrong

On this road we're on

No

No

We can't do it on our own

So

So

(Give us the strength to make it through

Help us find love, 'cause love is overdue)

And it looks like we haven't got a clue

Need some help

Grant us the faith to carry on

Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone

'Cause it seems like so much is going wrong

On this road we're on

No

No

(No) We can't do it on our own

(So)

So

If I wrote a note to God

- Charice Pempengco

P.S. This girl's 17 years old (same age as me) & is a Filipino.

Super Junior

Yep, the title says it all! I suddenly became a huge fan of Super Junior =P

haha this snapshot was during the time they were making the "U" music video (i think). but either way, they look damn hot <3

there are a few songs from them that manage to push into my 'favourite songs' list XD

1. Super Girl (Super Junior M)

2. The One I Love (Super Junior K.R.Y)

3. Monster

4. Rokkugo (Super Junior T)

5. Me (Super Junior M)

6. U

7. Haengbok

8. It's You

9. Don't Don

10. Dancing Out (this one was filmed in Malaysia!!! in KL, might i add)

but i'll add some more when i return here... at the end of the year or starting next year. i just couldn't help it but want to specifically put up a post about them. i apologize though, i need a lot of time if i want to regain my touch on blogging. haha at the end of the year, i promise!

=P

All At Once

All at once
I finally took a moment and I'm realizing that
You're not coming back
And it finally hit me all at once
All at once
I started counting teardrops and at least a million fell
My eyes began to swell
And all my dreams were shattered all at once

Ever since I met you
You're the only love I've known
And I can't forget you
Though I must face it all alone
All at once
I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Wishing you'd come back to me
And that's all that matters now
All at once
I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Holding on to memories
And it hurts me more than you know
So much more than it shows
All at once

All at once
I looked around and found that you were with another love
In someone else's arms
And all my dreams were shattered, all at once
All at once
The smile that used to greet me brightened someone else's day
She took your smile away
And left me with just memories, all at once

all at once
I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Wishing you'd come back to me
And it hurts me more than you know
So much more than it shows
All at once
And that's all that matters now
All at once
And im drifting on a lonely sea

- Whitney Houston

P.S. secretly, i dedicated this to someone. then again, no one will ever know who this person actually is ^^

You Belong With Me

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset
She's going off about something that you said
'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do

I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
And she'll never know your story like I do

But she wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts
She's Cheer Captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You, you belong with me, you belong with me

Walking the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey, isn't this easy?

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say you're fine, I know you better than that
Hey, what ya doing with a girl like that?

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's Cheer Captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know?
Baby, you belong with me, you belong with me

Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're 'bout to cry
And I know your favorite songs and you tell me 'bout your dreams
Think I know where you belong, think I know it's with me

Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you?
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time, how could you not know?
Baby, you belong with me, you belong with me

You belong with me
Have you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me?
You belong with me

- Taylor Swift

P.S. reminds me when i was 16... ^^'

PLKN

Program Latihan Khidmat Negara : Nasional Service Malaysia...


I GOT SELECTED!!


T.T huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu... no way... i don't want...


but what can i do? can't fight with government anyway. yeah... i'm announcing to the world now... T.T