Sigh..

It's been a while, hasn't it? with the national service program and all... but this is not why i'm typing this post today. in fact, they are different matters altogether. let's begin, shall we?

well, i'm sure everybody has heard of Facebook by now... and there's this particular place in it where we can put our pictures in it for people to see too. it was a few minutes ago when i so happened to browse through my friends' pictures. so many pictures, so many smiling faces, so many of them still together after all these years.

funny thing is, i'm considered one of the most invisible students back in high school. i enjoyed school, really i did, but that's when i started schooling in kindergarten until i was 13, in high school. since then, everything was turning downhill. everything changed; imagine, all your friends were your friends one morning and all of you were one big group. next thing you knew, little cracks begin to show in that big group. little by little, that one big group would become small... clans.

and then... maybe it was just time to grow up. obviously, with my type of family background, i can't enjoy most of my childhood or teenage years. but it really hurt so bad, like a butcher knife struck into your heart, when you realize it was too late to turn back and change to how things were before. it hurts, when i take flip through the pictures and see that all my friends are still together, and i'm left behind, partly because of my very-controlled family. and that butcher knife just keeps stabbing deeper as the years go by.

i hate this. i hate feeling unwanted, i hate feeling as though my life will always be like this, with no one to turn to. i thought i had already buried all these thoughts and feelings and told myself to get used to the way things are. but in the long run, i just hate myself even more for being like this; for being a loser... therefore, in the end, i'm only called a bitch. i feel better with that word now, more used to it, but still - sometimes, i just don't feel like i'm worth it in this world.