James 4:8

Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you - James 4:8

Monday, December 28, 2009


the feeling's back. the feeling of... well, like the many times where i was being left alone. times when no matter how much you want to do something, you just can't do it, because you are not allowed.

i feel so trapped. still... like a little bird locked up in a cage since birth, impossible to be released no matter how much i want to be let go. the feeling's building up, refilling the bottle which held my emotions. the bottle was spilling, but now its filling itself again. fantastic.

i see how happy my friends are through their pictures and stuff. how happy they were hanging out together, enjoying themselves. i wonder... what it feels like to be with my friends, hanging out outside of school. it's so painful, just thinking about that, because i know i'll never be able to feel that carefree feeling.

maybe like a little bird locked up in a cage since birth seems too - lenient. it's more like... like... i'm walking in the pastures as a small kid, and then suddenly i was caught in the thorn bushes. every time i feel like struggling, the thorns tighten around me. as i grow up, the sharper the thorns poking into me.

oh God, i want to talk to someone. i need to talk to someone... but heh. who has so much time to listen to me, huh? thanks to these thorns, the people i mix with in the end turn their backs and walk on. i know i'm not much to be with, not interesting enough, not... free because of the thorns. so they give up and walk on. i know how tiring it is to be with me, someone who just isn't very exciting to be a friend. i really understand that feeling, because i'm also very fed-up with myself too.

what am i going to do? is this going to continue until i die? i cannot believe this. i cannot fight against the thorns. i try not to be weak, but these thorns - i'm so used to them until i would feel lost without them. i'm practically begging, i need help. serious help.

it's also painful, u know, and pathetic as well, to know that you're not wanted. partly because i can't keep up, partly because... ah. what the heck. i don't see why i even existed. why do i exist? what's the point...? sigh.

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