James 4:8

Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you - James 4:8

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


They will do anything for their children: support them, protect them, work their butts off to feed them... But you know, they also scold them, use them as an anger outlet, whack them when they're naughty, swear all sorts of names in all sorts of languages...

What i'm trying to say is that parents tend to forget who they were once when they were young. The days when they hung out with their friends, the days when they did stupid things, had gone dating with their partners... Days when they had the freedom to be children, teenagers - youngsters.

I grew up in a strict-family home. I've never gone shopping with my friends without my parents lurking in the other side of the mall (I was 18 when they first allowed me with this condition, and is still like this til today). In order to go anywhere, I must have a valid reason as to why I have to go there and with who and for how long, and if it's far, it is a definite NO unless I give a lot of valid reasons. So far, I have only gone out with my friends three times in my whole life.

It doesn't matter if I am going to the university, or the mall, or even at home: I must be within the building at all times. To even step out of the building will cause my chances of ever going anywhere even slimmer than now. When I'm at home, I must be in the house, no where else. I've broken this rule when I was in college once, and my mother found out, and she threatened to pull me out of the college and place me somewhere she can watch me. She would've asked people in the college to keep an eye out for me if I step out of line again.

I've never gotten a boyfriend either. Due to other reasons, I have finally settles on one which I can use as a valid reason for rejecting him without bad feelings: We cannot go on dates. It won't be fair for him. If my parents ever found out, my freedom might be gone forever.

I've never had my own privacy. My mother checks my Facebook (that's the whole reason she created a Facebook account in the first place, and actually demanded me to delete several posts.

It's so difficult to keep up to the timing in my university, even when i was in high school. I have never joined any clubs because my parents wouldn't be able to fetch me. Even if they were able to, the amount of fights I have with them to persuade them to fetch me would be endless.

Don't they think that this is suffocating me? The fact that I'm going to be 20 years old in a month, and this has not changed. They are restricting me of all the stuff that I should have experienced years ago. Because of these, I have practically zero experience of the outside world, and my mother said I just lack common sense. What the hell is that supposed to mean??

There's so many more things to write, but I think I'm going to have to continue next time. It makes me tear up just writing this.

Many of you may think I'm pathetic for writing this. Blogging this is my only way of venting my frustrations because I have nobody to throw all these at. Nobody will want to listen to these pathetic stuff, and I know. I've seen their faces. I've been keeping all these in, and it's becoming like poison to my own brain and heart. Nobody likes to hear complains, and I rather keep all these in than to make my already-limited amount of friends not hate me.

The anger that is building inside me is killing me, and I just want to scream and throw everything down and walk away. I have a way to calm 30% of it, but there's physical evidence. It's so difficult to keep it in...

I'll keep it in as long as you don't hate me.


Anonymous said...

it's amazing how you are staying so strong. take care and stay positive. this is all i can say. sorry =/

Anonymous said...

also, it is not pathetic at all to write it out. you have to vent these things out.


hinoiri aka kimmy said...

thank you for your kind words :)

phyrigia said...

I guess some parents are like that. My parents too also like that. When a friend had a birthday party, I can't even go. They said it's too far, you don't know the street and don't have the dresscode, who would sent and pick you, will they say congrats the likes if I have birthday...bla..bla..bla.